3 Questions to Open, Deepen, and Connect
“So, how to you like {something in the immediate physical environment}?”
“Where are you from currently? Where do you live?“
“Where are you from originally? Where is you grow up? What was/is it like growing up there? What did you enjoy most?”
For many (perhaps most), striking up a conversation with someone you’ve never met before can be really awkward and stressful. Some people have that natural “gift of gab,” which is great for them, but what about the rest of us? How do we know what to say? What if the other person is too anxious? How do we take the conversation past just “small talk” but not too deep either?
Chances are you’ve had this experience in a number of different situations, perhaps like…
- Parties
- Camps and retreats
- Schools
- Teams
- Other social events
- Family gatherings
Why does this get difficult for some of us?
- I might be “in my head” worrying about the other person might think of me, what I think I need to do or say, etc.
- The other person might be in their own head, either worrying about what I’m thinking about him/her, or about if I seem safe and comfortable to meet
- I might not think of interesting or fun things to say
- I ‘intro’ might get rejected
- I might already know how to “open,” but not establish a better connection
To help alleviate all of this there are 3(+) questions that you can keep in your back pocket; 3 questions that have proven to be natural, comfortable and effective for both parties.
1. Opening: something external
Mentioned above, one of the first things that will prevent people from even initiating a conversation, or doing so well, is if one or both of the two people are “in their heads.” In fact, we can pretty much assume that the other person is, and only you know if you are too.
Therefore, we need something that will help BOTH of us get “out of our head” AND still feel comfortable – we cannot start out too intrusive. As such, we start with this:
“Hi. So, what do you think of___?”
The “___” is something in the external environment that is easy for the other person to respond to. For example:
- “Hi. So, what do you think of this party?”
- “Hi. So, what do you think of this camp?”
- “Hi. So, what do you think of this school?”
- “Hi. So, how do you like this team?”
Again, by design, these subject (focal points) are NOT about either you or the person your are striking up a conversation with. They offer both of you to start out talking about something else, but also something that is relevant in the situation and easy to comment on. Walking up to someone and asking something like, “So, how about the Bulls game last night” might not actually be too bad, but it can easily be really out of the blue, and might land flat if the other person isn’t into basketball.
IMPORTANT NOTE! Be ready to do two things in this question:
- Listen to and expand on the other person’s answer
- “Interesting; I didn’t know there were so many more people here before. Was it too crowded or was it fun?”
- Share your own thoughts on the question you just asked
- “Yeah, I’ve been having trouble with all of the mosquitos down by the camp lake too.”
There are a TON of additional tips on how to keep a fun conversation going like…
“Speaking of _____, I remember one time when I…” –
Where the “_____” is a subject/topic that the other person just mentioned or just finished talking about.”
ANOTHER IMPORTANT NOTE! This might be as far as the conversation goes!
Sometimes, even if the conversation is going well, you and the other person might stick with “external things,” or you two might just naturally go on from there into various topics, etc. In other words, you might not need or want the rest of the questions discussed below. Who knows!
2. Transitioning: something benignly personal
At this point in the new conversation, if you haven’t already done so, you can start to take the conversation “1 level” deeper by asking a very benign (non-intrusive) and often socially typical question – one that naturally turns the focus of the conversation on some more personal insights about each other. The best one is often:
“So, where are you from now? Where do you live?”
90% of the time, these are very common, safe innocuous, and not unexpected questions. They are usually felt as just a little bit personal, but also about topics that most people are happy to divulge…and talk about more.
As mentioned for Question #1, again be prepared to listen and expand on what the other person tells you. After you know where the person currently lives, you can ask…
- What is is like there
- What they like most there
- Something specific that you know a little about that location, but are curious about knowing more
And, share your own experiences with that location, if you’ve been there, or your interest in visiting and what you might want to do if you even find yourself in that location.
IMPORTANT NOTE! Every once in a while, this question can get a little odd
Sometimes, the other person may not want to say where they are from, or talk about it. It might be because they really don’t like it, or feel that they are trapped there, or feel embarrassed about where they live for some reason. If this happens, calmly just change topics. You can go back to something you spoke about earlier, or ask something loosely related to Question #2 like, “I’ve been thinking of taking a trip somewhere. If you were to plan a trip, where do you think you’d want to go?”
This kind of question should be relatively safe and easy to deliver and for the other person to respond to.
Thanks!
Chris